I thought I had it

That's how I thought I had it.

Every thing is upside down right now. I may not know what I want anymore, but I sure as hell don't want you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard and other times it feels like I'm not trying hard enough. I'm never in-between.

Things are really not good right now and I want to give up trying to fix things, but that's not me. Even when I just wanna lay down and die I keep fighting. So that's what I'm doing and I'll keep doing until something changes.

I got it?

This is hard

I have a really hard time concentrating on school right now. I've written two sentences today...I think I'll go to bed early today and do better tomorrow. I should be happy that I got something done, right?

Wow!

I really thought I knew myself by know. Ha ha was I wrong! Jeez! I'm the first one to admit I lost this one. Stupid stupid me.

What would you regret?

What would you regret if you knew you where dying in a couple of days? I for one wouldn't regret guys i DIDN'T sleep with, that is just too weird. I would more likely regret one or two I have slept with, but I think what's done is done and there's no use regretting what you've already done(unless you have a time machine and can go back and undo it).

I don't know if I would regret anything I haven't done, maybe to say "I love you" to all the people I love. Got to do that! Ever since my great grandmother died I've tried to tell all my loved ones that I love them - at least once! But I have new friends that I love now too and I need to tell them just in case.

Before I get to talk to you: I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!

I got to remember this!

I have to remember this blog! Everytime I try to find it I end up searching for it on Google with no result and after some time I remember that it's connected to one of my Gmail accounts(I got I new one because of youtube, altough I didn't want one). Well here I am again!

Pictures

New things in this season...Or not.

I can not do it

I can't be completely honest as it seems. I am a bad lier so I try to keep away from that as much as possible, but I didn't know what to answer when I got this unexpected text. It felt worse than when someone says "I love you" and you don't love that person back. My answer to "I love you" that time was "Spaghetti". That was easier than to find an answer to this - so I lied.

I guess I'm just a big fat liar now!

What for?

Why do I even do this?! I don't get ANYTHING, not even a simple thank you. Nothing. I'm just wasting time and energy to be nice. Well f*** that!

From now on it's all on you stupid (all evil words you may think of) !

This off course has nothing to do with helping my sister with her kids, I've only been doing that for a couple of days and she has already thank me plenty.

It wasn't like I was expecting any thanks from this greedy person, but I didn't expect for this person to go behind my back either. Or treat me like shit.

Well I'm done. I'm not going to even try to do anything nice for you anymore. You're simply not worth it!

In the dark

Sometimes when it gets dark it's easier to find what I'm looking for if I close my eyes.

So I lied

So I lied to everyone including myself. And it wasn't like I thought what I said actually was true, like people sometimes do - they get confused. I knew I was lying right from the beginning. It would have been better if I had done it to somehow protect myself, but the truth is that I knew what was in front of me and I didn't like it. I wished everything would be different but my lie was completely different to what I wanted the truth to be like.
Confusing as usual.

Bottom line - I lied. And I don't know if I regret it.

I just need this one friend to talk to because I haven't lied to her about any of this and then it's much easier to tell her the truth about what I really feel like. It won't fix anything, but it's nice to have someone to talk about.

Problems?

I'm gonna do my best to take care of my problems before they become actual problems. Right now trouble might be heading my way. And I'm not gonna sit here and wait for it...

Paranoid birdtalker

I just talked to a good friend of mine, and maybe I shouldn't write this, but I'm gonna do it anyways. I am paranoid so I'm gonna think that he will read this, even if he don't.

Earlier today he asked if I could talk to him later this evening and I said yes. But during the day I thought of many different reasons to why he wanted to talk - like he doesn't want me to be his friend anymore, he doesn't want me to come and visit or maybe I just can't come visit for other reasons. I mostly(or only) thought of negative things he would say to me. It's partially because I feel depressed now about everything that is happening around me, but it's also because I am paranoid. Usually, when I feel better, I can tell myself that all the negative things I believe will happen, probably wont happen and I can find a thousand different positive things instead.
Like when I friend don't answer a text I first think "She hates me" but then I can stop and think "She can't hear the phone, she's busy, she left her phone at home" and so on. But when I'm sad and defeated like I am now everything feels like shit and I can't pick myself up even if I brought myself down.


On a less depressive note. I told him about how I talk to birds and that I feel like I HAVE TO feed them or they'll get sad. And when I was younger I thought they could read my mind so I could tell them to follow me home if they wanted some bread. I also try the same technique on insects caught on buses. Through my mind I tell them to land on me and I will get them out of there...And no, it never works.


Also. The phone call was just a normal phone call, nothing negative at all.
Second also - I can't believe I could spell "technique" without help, but I misspelled "buses" (busses).

I should try to sleep now.

Happiness and sorrow

I have laughed so hard that I've cried before, and I have cried tears of happiness, and I have also cried so hard over everything that I once lost that I started to laugh - while saying "This isn't funny, this isn't funny, this isn't funny".
But yesterday I laughed so hard about something hilarious that I cried tears of sorrow. I think...Maybe... Well I haven't come in touch with the feelings about a family member's recent death. I haven't felt anything at all, just chock and emptiness. Maybe by getting in touch with those extreme feelings of happiness I also got in touch of some of the sad feelings.
I don't know, but it felt very strange. Even stranger than that time when I cried so hard that I started to laugh. At that time I had lost my boyfriend, my home, school f-d up and I couldn't get in to the class that I had applied for. And on top of that my ex tried to take my cat. I wanted to die and felt like I had nothing(I know now that it wasn't so), but then I felt that I had nothing so I cried until I started to laugh.

I don't know what happened now. Maybe I felt guilty that I even could laugh the day after I received the news. The laughs had nothing to do with that. I can't believe that he's dead so I can't feel it...yet. I want to feel it but not right now.

The five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Perfect timing?

I can't be serious at this moment. I'm in some stage of chock right now. I just heard about a family member who passed away...died today. After that strange talk on the phone I turned on my recorded Grey's Anatomy episode which of course was a episode where they talked about all the steps of grieving.
And on top of this I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about my antidepressants. I was afraid that he would think(again) that it's time to lower the dose. Last time he did that it didn't go too well, but another doctor raised the dose again and I felt all better.

I don't even know what to write or think. I'm gonna try to sleep before I have to get up early to go to a doctors appointment that I don't want to go to.

He was never there

If I ever write anything about my biological father I feel the need to write "father". I don't want to use his first name in writing since our last name is so unusual, but I really can't see him as my real dad. It feels so wrong to call him that. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that, at the time when I still cared, I used to hate him. Hate has nothing to do with me denying him as my father. I don't hate him anymore, I feel nothing about him. I haven't seen him in almost 14 years. Hate is a feeling and feelings disappear after some time, or a long time in this case, but it still disappeared.

I think my mom and "father" separated when I was just one year old(young). When I was little He used to come by and see me and my sister twice every year - around my sisters birthday and around Christmas. I don't remember my 1-5th birthday, but I was a smart kid and I must have known that he didn't even care enough to see his youngest daughter at her birthday and for a 4-5year old that must have been hurtful. I get sad thinking about that small girl who went through this thing, not really feeling that it was actually me. My mother did however see how sad I was and gave him an ultimatum to come to my birthday too or not come at all. And a couple of days after my 6th birthday he actually showed up and that part I can remember. I was really happy.

Why I can't call him father is because he was never there. He came around three times every year until the year I turned 13. The last time I saw him was right after Christmas that year. Lets just say some things happened and me and my sister decided, without any adults opinions that we never wanted to see him again.
You can't expect to be a dad just because you get someone pregnant, it takes more than that. If he would have been a better person and we would have spent more time with him I would have felt differently, I assume.
But he is who he is and I'm glad we only saw him three times a year. I wish we hadn't seen him at all after the divorce.

My mother is a strong person and I wouldn't be who I am without her help. I'm not afraid to stand up for what I think is right and I always feel loved because she has always been there for anything and everything.

Luckily

Luckily I could talk about my problems with my best friend. It feels a bit better now. Except for the go-to-sleep-anxiety that I'm dealing with right now. I think it's partly because of these past couple of nights nightmares and also because I never now if anyone will call at 6.30 in the morning asking if I can work the same day. And even if there's no job for me tomorrow I have a thousand other stuff I need to deal with. I need a new prescription for my medication, I need to talk to CSN so I know sooner rather than later if I have any rights for any money if I get accepted to a class in January. I hate not knowing.

I need to wash off yesterdays makeup and then go to sleep. Hopefully without any nightmares about me or anyone in my family dying. I just can't shake that bad feeling off and are close to tears the whole day after dreams about that.

I'm not dead

These last couple of days when I've been sick and have just been laying around the house I have thought at times "I have no life". But tonight when I was walking home from a movie night with friends I thought that "having no life" would be the same as being dead and I am not dead. My life is a little bit on pause though, but not all of my life, mostly the work/education part. I feel like I am standing in total darkness right now, my flashlight is broken and I can't see what's in front of me. I don't know what would happen if I took a step forward at this moment because in front of me it might be soft grass, but it might also be slippery ice, a steep hill or maybe a deep hole. I might be fine if I where to take a step forward, but I don't want to take that chance, or risk. I want to give it a little more time, perhaps the sun will come up or my flashlight will start working again. But right now I can't see my future, I can't see what direction I should steer my life and I've been walking blind for several years now. I don't want to do this anymore. I've never gotten a job I've applied to, I have never given much thought about what classes to read. I have gotten jobs through friends or luck even, I really cannot tell you how I got the job in Malmö or how I got from working 50% to 100%. I don't regret anything, not at all. I am so glad that I have all the experience I've got, no matter how I ended up with it.
But now I would like a clear path. I would like to have a goal and I would love to know what I really want to do and not just do what others think I should do. I could take a job almost anywhere and be good at it, I would be good at it because I don't like to disappoint others. But I would just want to have a job that I would be good or great at because I really really wanted to be there. It would have a different meaning. Maybe I need a job or maybe it's time for school.

I don't know. And as long as I don't know I wont be looking for work. I just want to be a substitute -whatever and don't get stuck in some place where I don't belong.

If I didn't like this life I'm having now I would look for I job I didn't want. But for now I'm satisfied not knowing where to go.



The sad part is that I know my dream, I just decided a long time ago that it was unreachable. Perhaps I just need some help changing how I see myself, changing the limits I gave myself so many years ago when I was a completely different person than I am now.

Annoying

It's really annoying that I now, for some reason, have my Youtube account connected to Gmail, but my regular Gmail account is not the same as my Youtube account. This blog is connectet to Gmail so I have to log out from Youtube to be able to write in my blog. Weird! I'm not sure how this happened or why Youtube is in any way connected to Gmail?

Today I feel fat. I've been eating all day yesterday and today. Which is what I usually do when I'm bored. But I'm to tired to do any exercises. I HATE BEING SICK!

How is it for you?

I am sick right now, a cold, but a very difficult one. At least for me. I have asthma so almost every time I get a cold it makes my lung capacity much worse(or lower?). Whatever. It's hard to breath ALL THE TIME.
Just a couple of minutes ago I walk much slower than I usually do, but that was enough to make me feel like I couldn't breath. I have to take asthma medication to be able to walk slower than I usually do.

So I wonder how it is for others who don't have asthma. If you get a cold, can you still walk normally and be able to breath? I'm not talking about coughing, just the breathing-part.

I really hate getting sick once every month, but oh how I appreciate those times when I get sick and still get to breath without any problems. But now it's one of those times when I can't walk from the bathroom to the livingroom and breath at the same time...

I think it's time for bed now. Sleeping is the best medication of all. Maybe not to cure asthma, but to cure a cold anyway.

Darkness

I love sunsets in the middle of the day, but I wouldn't mind having company those times I have to walk through the forest in the dark. That's how dark it was a Sunday around 5 p.m. I would easily get lost if I didn't know these streets.