So I lied

So I lied to everyone including myself. And it wasn't like I thought what I said actually was true, like people sometimes do - they get confused. I knew I was lying right from the beginning. It would have been better if I had done it to somehow protect myself, but the truth is that I knew what was in front of me and I didn't like it. I wished everything would be different but my lie was completely different to what I wanted the truth to be like.
Confusing as usual.

Bottom line - I lied. And I don't know if I regret it.

I just need this one friend to talk to because I haven't lied to her about any of this and then it's much easier to tell her the truth about what I really feel like. It won't fix anything, but it's nice to have someone to talk about.