Perfect timing?

I can't be serious at this moment. I'm in some stage of chock right now. I just heard about a family member who passed away...died today. After that strange talk on the phone I turned on my recorded Grey's Anatomy episode which of course was a episode where they talked about all the steps of grieving.
And on top of this I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about my antidepressants. I was afraid that he would think(again) that it's time to lower the dose. Last time he did that it didn't go too well, but another doctor raised the dose again and I felt all better.

I don't even know what to write or think. I'm gonna try to sleep before I have to get up early to go to a doctors appointment that I don't want to go to.

He was never there

If I ever write anything about my biological father I feel the need to write "father". I don't want to use his first name in writing since our last name is so unusual, but I really can't see him as my real dad. It feels so wrong to call him that. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that, at the time when I still cared, I used to hate him. Hate has nothing to do with me denying him as my father. I don't hate him anymore, I feel nothing about him. I haven't seen him in almost 14 years. Hate is a feeling and feelings disappear after some time, or a long time in this case, but it still disappeared.

I think my mom and "father" separated when I was just one year old(young). When I was little He used to come by and see me and my sister twice every year - around my sisters birthday and around Christmas. I don't remember my 1-5th birthday, but I was a smart kid and I must have known that he didn't even care enough to see his youngest daughter at her birthday and for a 4-5year old that must have been hurtful. I get sad thinking about that small girl who went through this thing, not really feeling that it was actually me. My mother did however see how sad I was and gave him an ultimatum to come to my birthday too or not come at all. And a couple of days after my 6th birthday he actually showed up and that part I can remember. I was really happy.

Why I can't call him father is because he was never there. He came around three times every year until the year I turned 13. The last time I saw him was right after Christmas that year. Lets just say some things happened and me and my sister decided, without any adults opinions that we never wanted to see him again.
You can't expect to be a dad just because you get someone pregnant, it takes more than that. If he would have been a better person and we would have spent more time with him I would have felt differently, I assume.
But he is who he is and I'm glad we only saw him three times a year. I wish we hadn't seen him at all after the divorce.

My mother is a strong person and I wouldn't be who I am without her help. I'm not afraid to stand up for what I think is right and I always feel loved because she has always been there for anything and everything.

Luckily

Luckily I could talk about my problems with my best friend. It feels a bit better now. Except for the go-to-sleep-anxiety that I'm dealing with right now. I think it's partly because of these past couple of nights nightmares and also because I never now if anyone will call at 6.30 in the morning asking if I can work the same day. And even if there's no job for me tomorrow I have a thousand other stuff I need to deal with. I need a new prescription for my medication, I need to talk to CSN so I know sooner rather than later if I have any rights for any money if I get accepted to a class in January. I hate not knowing.

I need to wash off yesterdays makeup and then go to sleep. Hopefully without any nightmares about me or anyone in my family dying. I just can't shake that bad feeling off and are close to tears the whole day after dreams about that.

I'm not dead

These last couple of days when I've been sick and have just been laying around the house I have thought at times "I have no life". But tonight when I was walking home from a movie night with friends I thought that "having no life" would be the same as being dead and I am not dead. My life is a little bit on pause though, but not all of my life, mostly the work/education part. I feel like I am standing in total darkness right now, my flashlight is broken and I can't see what's in front of me. I don't know what would happen if I took a step forward at this moment because in front of me it might be soft grass, but it might also be slippery ice, a steep hill or maybe a deep hole. I might be fine if I where to take a step forward, but I don't want to take that chance, or risk. I want to give it a little more time, perhaps the sun will come up or my flashlight will start working again. But right now I can't see my future, I can't see what direction I should steer my life and I've been walking blind for several years now. I don't want to do this anymore. I've never gotten a job I've applied to, I have never given much thought about what classes to read. I have gotten jobs through friends or luck even, I really cannot tell you how I got the job in Malmö or how I got from working 50% to 100%. I don't regret anything, not at all. I am so glad that I have all the experience I've got, no matter how I ended up with it.
But now I would like a clear path. I would like to have a goal and I would love to know what I really want to do and not just do what others think I should do. I could take a job almost anywhere and be good at it, I would be good at it because I don't like to disappoint others. But I would just want to have a job that I would be good or great at because I really really wanted to be there. It would have a different meaning. Maybe I need a job or maybe it's time for school.

I don't know. And as long as I don't know I wont be looking for work. I just want to be a substitute -whatever and don't get stuck in some place where I don't belong.

If I didn't like this life I'm having now I would look for I job I didn't want. But for now I'm satisfied not knowing where to go.



The sad part is that I know my dream, I just decided a long time ago that it was unreachable. Perhaps I just need some help changing how I see myself, changing the limits I gave myself so many years ago when I was a completely different person than I am now.

Annoying

It's really annoying that I now, for some reason, have my Youtube account connected to Gmail, but my regular Gmail account is not the same as my Youtube account. This blog is connectet to Gmail so I have to log out from Youtube to be able to write in my blog. Weird! I'm not sure how this happened or why Youtube is in any way connected to Gmail?

Today I feel fat. I've been eating all day yesterday and today. Which is what I usually do when I'm bored. But I'm to tired to do any exercises. I HATE BEING SICK!

How is it for you?

I am sick right now, a cold, but a very difficult one. At least for me. I have asthma so almost every time I get a cold it makes my lung capacity much worse(or lower?). Whatever. It's hard to breath ALL THE TIME.
Just a couple of minutes ago I walk much slower than I usually do, but that was enough to make me feel like I couldn't breath. I have to take asthma medication to be able to walk slower than I usually do.

So I wonder how it is for others who don't have asthma. If you get a cold, can you still walk normally and be able to breath? I'm not talking about coughing, just the breathing-part.

I really hate getting sick once every month, but oh how I appreciate those times when I get sick and still get to breath without any problems. But now it's one of those times when I can't walk from the bathroom to the livingroom and breath at the same time...

I think it's time for bed now. Sleeping is the best medication of all. Maybe not to cure asthma, but to cure a cold anyway.

Darkness

I love sunsets in the middle of the day, but I wouldn't mind having company those times I have to walk through the forest in the dark. That's how dark it was a Sunday around 5 p.m. I would easily get lost if I didn't know these streets.

No dating for me

I decided to try out a dating page, I thought it would be fun. But a couple of days later panic has reached my body. I'm just not girlfriend material, my heart don't have room for anyone else than my family and my closest friends.

I don't think I need to be fixed, because even if I am broken in some ways I'm still very happy. I'm not lonely, I'm not without love. I've got almost everything I need. The only thing that would be nice to have is a job.

I found it!

I hadn't forgot about this blog, but I had forgot about the blogadress and when I finally found it of course I had also forgotten my user name and password. Phew!

I can't understand how I couldn't find this blog through Google when I search for Miss Lovlie(do not search for Miss Lovlie, just a tip) and I also search for Beneaththesurface.blog and lots of other facts about me and things I thought I might have written here.

Anywho. I just realized that my English starts to suck again so I want to try and refresh it as much as possible.
I should also refresh my Greek, but not in a blog. THAT would be crazy-hard and way too much work for a lazy person as myself.

Today I am feeling sick as hell and I am so sick of being sick which makes me feel very angry about my week body. Sometimes I ready hate this body. I would just love to be able to practice as hard as the others at cheerleadingpractice and I would love to be able to just drink water from the same glass as a friend without getting a cold.