I'm not dead

These last couple of days when I've been sick and have just been laying around the house I have thought at times "I have no life". But tonight when I was walking home from a movie night with friends I thought that "having no life" would be the same as being dead and I am not dead. My life is a little bit on pause though, but not all of my life, mostly the work/education part. I feel like I am standing in total darkness right now, my flashlight is broken and I can't see what's in front of me. I don't know what would happen if I took a step forward at this moment because in front of me it might be soft grass, but it might also be slippery ice, a steep hill or maybe a deep hole. I might be fine if I where to take a step forward, but I don't want to take that chance, or risk. I want to give it a little more time, perhaps the sun will come up or my flashlight will start working again. But right now I can't see my future, I can't see what direction I should steer my life and I've been walking blind for several years now. I don't want to do this anymore. I've never gotten a job I've applied to, I have never given much thought about what classes to read. I have gotten jobs through friends or luck even, I really cannot tell you how I got the job in Malmö or how I got from working 50% to 100%. I don't regret anything, not at all. I am so glad that I have all the experience I've got, no matter how I ended up with it.
But now I would like a clear path. I would like to have a goal and I would love to know what I really want to do and not just do what others think I should do. I could take a job almost anywhere and be good at it, I would be good at it because I don't like to disappoint others. But I would just want to have a job that I would be good or great at because I really really wanted to be there. It would have a different meaning. Maybe I need a job or maybe it's time for school.

I don't know. And as long as I don't know I wont be looking for work. I just want to be a substitute -whatever and don't get stuck in some place where I don't belong.

If I didn't like this life I'm having now I would look for I job I didn't want. But for now I'm satisfied not knowing where to go.



The sad part is that I know my dream, I just decided a long time ago that it was unreachable. Perhaps I just need some help changing how I see myself, changing the limits I gave myself so many years ago when I was a completely different person than I am now.