Luckily

Luckily I could talk about my problems with my best friend. It feels a bit better now. Except for the go-to-sleep-anxiety that I'm dealing with right now. I think it's partly because of these past couple of nights nightmares and also because I never now if anyone will call at 6.30 in the morning asking if I can work the same day. And even if there's no job for me tomorrow I have a thousand other stuff I need to deal with. I need a new prescription for my medication, I need to talk to CSN so I know sooner rather than later if I have any rights for any money if I get accepted to a class in January. I hate not knowing.

I need to wash off yesterdays makeup and then go to sleep. Hopefully without any nightmares about me or anyone in my family dying. I just can't shake that bad feeling off and are close to tears the whole day after dreams about that.

I'm not dead

These last couple of days when I've been sick and have just been laying around the house I have thought at times "I have no life". But tonight when I was walking home from a movie night with friends I thought that "having no life" would be the same as being dead and I am not dead. My life is a little bit on pause though, but not all of my life, mostly the work/education part. I feel like I am standing in total darkness right now, my flashlight is broken and I can't see what's in front of me. I don't know what would happen if I took a step forward at this moment because in front of me it might be soft grass, but it might also be slippery ice, a steep hill or maybe a deep hole. I might be fine if I where to take a step forward, but I don't want to take that chance, or risk. I want to give it a little more time, perhaps the sun will come up or my flashlight will start working again. But right now I can't see my future, I can't see what direction I should steer my life and I've been walking blind for several years now. I don't want to do this anymore. I've never gotten a job I've applied to, I have never given much thought about what classes to read. I have gotten jobs through friends or luck even, I really cannot tell you how I got the job in Malmö or how I got from working 50% to 100%. I don't regret anything, not at all. I am so glad that I have all the experience I've got, no matter how I ended up with it.
But now I would like a clear path. I would like to have a goal and I would love to know what I really want to do and not just do what others think I should do. I could take a job almost anywhere and be good at it, I would be good at it because I don't like to disappoint others. But I would just want to have a job that I would be good or great at because I really really wanted to be there. It would have a different meaning. Maybe I need a job or maybe it's time for school.

I don't know. And as long as I don't know I wont be looking for work. I just want to be a substitute -whatever and don't get stuck in some place where I don't belong.

If I didn't like this life I'm having now I would look for I job I didn't want. But for now I'm satisfied not knowing where to go.



The sad part is that I know my dream, I just decided a long time ago that it was unreachable. Perhaps I just need some help changing how I see myself, changing the limits I gave myself so many years ago when I was a completely different person than I am now.

Annoying

It's really annoying that I now, for some reason, have my Youtube account connected to Gmail, but my regular Gmail account is not the same as my Youtube account. This blog is connectet to Gmail so I have to log out from Youtube to be able to write in my blog. Weird! I'm not sure how this happened or why Youtube is in any way connected to Gmail?

Today I feel fat. I've been eating all day yesterday and today. Which is what I usually do when I'm bored. But I'm to tired to do any exercises. I HATE BEING SICK!

How is it for you?

I am sick right now, a cold, but a very difficult one. At least for me. I have asthma so almost every time I get a cold it makes my lung capacity much worse(or lower?). Whatever. It's hard to breath ALL THE TIME.
Just a couple of minutes ago I walk much slower than I usually do, but that was enough to make me feel like I couldn't breath. I have to take asthma medication to be able to walk slower than I usually do.

So I wonder how it is for others who don't have asthma. If you get a cold, can you still walk normally and be able to breath? I'm not talking about coughing, just the breathing-part.

I really hate getting sick once every month, but oh how I appreciate those times when I get sick and still get to breath without any problems. But now it's one of those times when I can't walk from the bathroom to the livingroom and breath at the same time...

I think it's time for bed now. Sleeping is the best medication of all. Maybe not to cure asthma, but to cure a cold anyway.

Darkness

I love sunsets in the middle of the day, but I wouldn't mind having company those times I have to walk through the forest in the dark. That's how dark it was a Sunday around 5 p.m. I would easily get lost if I didn't know these streets.

No dating for me

I decided to try out a dating page, I thought it would be fun. But a couple of days later panic has reached my body. I'm just not girlfriend material, my heart don't have room for anyone else than my family and my closest friends.

I don't think I need to be fixed, because even if I am broken in some ways I'm still very happy. I'm not lonely, I'm not without love. I've got almost everything I need. The only thing that would be nice to have is a job.

I found it!

I hadn't forgot about this blog, but I had forgot about the blogadress and when I finally found it of course I had also forgotten my user name and password. Phew!

I can't understand how I couldn't find this blog through Google when I search for Miss Lovlie(do not search for Miss Lovlie, just a tip) and I also search for Beneaththesurface.blog and lots of other facts about me and things I thought I might have written here.

Anywho. I just realized that my English starts to suck again so I want to try and refresh it as much as possible.
I should also refresh my Greek, but not in a blog. THAT would be crazy-hard and way too much work for a lazy person as myself.

Today I am feeling sick as hell and I am so sick of being sick which makes me feel very angry about my week body. Sometimes I ready hate this body. I would just love to be able to practice as hard as the others at cheerleadingpractice and I would love to be able to just drink water from the same glass as a friend without getting a cold.