What for?

Why do I even do this?! I don't get ANYTHING, not even a simple thank you. Nothing. I'm just wasting time and energy to be nice. Well f*** that!

From now on it's all on you stupid (all evil words you may think of) !

This off course has nothing to do with helping my sister with her kids, I've only been doing that for a couple of days and she has already thank me plenty.

It wasn't like I was expecting any thanks from this greedy person, but I didn't expect for this person to go behind my back either. Or treat me like shit.

Well I'm done. I'm not going to even try to do anything nice for you anymore. You're simply not worth it!

In the dark

Sometimes when it gets dark it's easier to find what I'm looking for if I close my eyes.

So I lied

So I lied to everyone including myself. And it wasn't like I thought what I said actually was true, like people sometimes do - they get confused. I knew I was lying right from the beginning. It would have been better if I had done it to somehow protect myself, but the truth is that I knew what was in front of me and I didn't like it. I wished everything would be different but my lie was completely different to what I wanted the truth to be like.
Confusing as usual.

Bottom line - I lied. And I don't know if I regret it.

I just need this one friend to talk to because I haven't lied to her about any of this and then it's much easier to tell her the truth about what I really feel like. It won't fix anything, but it's nice to have someone to talk about.

Problems?

I'm gonna do my best to take care of my problems before they become actual problems. Right now trouble might be heading my way. And I'm not gonna sit here and wait for it...

Paranoid birdtalker

I just talked to a good friend of mine, and maybe I shouldn't write this, but I'm gonna do it anyways. I am paranoid so I'm gonna think that he will read this, even if he don't.

Earlier today he asked if I could talk to him later this evening and I said yes. But during the day I thought of many different reasons to why he wanted to talk - like he doesn't want me to be his friend anymore, he doesn't want me to come and visit or maybe I just can't come visit for other reasons. I mostly(or only) thought of negative things he would say to me. It's partially because I feel depressed now about everything that is happening around me, but it's also because I am paranoid. Usually, when I feel better, I can tell myself that all the negative things I believe will happen, probably wont happen and I can find a thousand different positive things instead.
Like when I friend don't answer a text I first think "She hates me" but then I can stop and think "She can't hear the phone, she's busy, she left her phone at home" and so on. But when I'm sad and defeated like I am now everything feels like shit and I can't pick myself up even if I brought myself down.


On a less depressive note. I told him about how I talk to birds and that I feel like I HAVE TO feed them or they'll get sad. And when I was younger I thought they could read my mind so I could tell them to follow me home if they wanted some bread. I also try the same technique on insects caught on buses. Through my mind I tell them to land on me and I will get them out of there...And no, it never works.


Also. The phone call was just a normal phone call, nothing negative at all.
Second also - I can't believe I could spell "technique" without help, but I misspelled "buses" (busses).

I should try to sleep now.

Happiness and sorrow

I have laughed so hard that I've cried before, and I have cried tears of happiness, and I have also cried so hard over everything that I once lost that I started to laugh - while saying "This isn't funny, this isn't funny, this isn't funny".
But yesterday I laughed so hard about something hilarious that I cried tears of sorrow. I think...Maybe... Well I haven't come in touch with the feelings about a family member's recent death. I haven't felt anything at all, just chock and emptiness. Maybe by getting in touch with those extreme feelings of happiness I also got in touch of some of the sad feelings.
I don't know, but it felt very strange. Even stranger than that time when I cried so hard that I started to laugh. At that time I had lost my boyfriend, my home, school f-d up and I couldn't get in to the class that I had applied for. And on top of that my ex tried to take my cat. I wanted to die and felt like I had nothing(I know now that it wasn't so), but then I felt that I had nothing so I cried until I started to laugh.

I don't know what happened now. Maybe I felt guilty that I even could laugh the day after I received the news. The laughs had nothing to do with that. I can't believe that he's dead so I can't feel it...yet. I want to feel it but not right now.

The five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Perfect timing?

I can't be serious at this moment. I'm in some stage of chock right now. I just heard about a family member who passed away...died today. After that strange talk on the phone I turned on my recorded Grey's Anatomy episode which of course was a episode where they talked about all the steps of grieving.
And on top of this I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about my antidepressants. I was afraid that he would think(again) that it's time to lower the dose. Last time he did that it didn't go too well, but another doctor raised the dose again and I felt all better.

I don't even know what to write or think. I'm gonna try to sleep before I have to get up early to go to a doctors appointment that I don't want to go to.